I am between moments of happiness

I woke up this morning ten minutes before the alarm clock sounded, and lay there in bed until twenty minutes after the alarm had gone. I felt low. I felt slightly depressed. I felt a way that I hadn't done for the best part of a month.

While I was away in the states, I would wake up every morning about eight (usually as K was taking the dog out - the dog having to bounce up onto the sofa bed and say "good morning!" to me - either on the way out, or the way back.) Sometimes I'd roll over and get five more minutes (which sometimes turned into more than just five more minutes), but I felt different. I was relaxed. I was happy. The only thing stopping me getting up was tiredness. (I put most of it down to me "getting old and not being able to burn the candle at both ends any more", or jet lag)

Some mornings I would sit and write my journal (especially if I'd had a particularly interesting dream the night before); I would go and get breakfast (most mornings this was a bowl of Cheerios and a mug of either tea or coffee); I would spend time with my children - even if they were just sitting there with their "I'm awake but don't bother me just yet" faces on, watching some show (often SpongeBob, sometimes Hanna Montana or the Suite life of Zack and Cody depending on the day, the time, and who'd grabbed the remote that morning).

I'd eat, shower and get changed. Some mornings I would join K outside and play soccer or basketball. It varied a little from day to day. But I would spend time with my girls.

Now I wake to an alarm, I eventually get out of bed, bathe and shave. Eat breakfast and join the commuters on their way to work. I grab a Mocha on the way to work (today, it was from Millie's cookies - but it was the worst Mocha I'd ever had! It tasted like muddy water, no chocolate at all (and usually they're so good)) narrowly missing my train (in part due to inconsistent clocks at the station leading me into a false sense of security that I'd catch it, and in part to me giving into my Mocha craving)

Work has been uneventful today so far. The first day back, always catching up (which involves liberal use of the delete button on emails). C'est la vie.

So I feel like I'm in a state of non-being right now, like I am between moments of happiness. I know this is temporary. I know I'm just mourning the me of the last few weeks; the dad version of me which will disappear before too long in a haze of unremembered memories and feelings. My mundane life will supplant the life I wish I lived 24/7. At least, until next time.

(not that there won't be moments of happiness in the meantime, it's just that they'll be fleeting and different)