Insomnia

Last night I woke up this morning when it was still last night. I might have gotten half an hour's rest, maybe an hour tops. But I was awake, suddenly; awake, tired and unable to slip back into slumber. I lay there in the dark, staring at the inky blackness of the ceiling. Sometimes when I stare at the ceiling, light swirls around and makes odd shapes. Like ghostly apparitions formed of my over-active imagination, combining with the creaks and bumps of the house to scare me witless. That didn't happen this time. There was nothing there. Even the bumps and creaks of the house were silent, the tippy tapping of the rain hitting my window obscuring any other sounds.

I lay there.

I reached over, turned on the clock. 12:34, I'd been lying there awake for about an hour. (I love it when I coincidentally see the time and it forms a pattern, like 12:34). I got up, turned on the light. Went the bathroom. My urine reeked of coffee. I think, if I was mean, I could have peed into a cup and given it a blind man and he wouldn't have been any the wiser until he took that first sip of this 'amber nectar'. I wasn't feeling myself at all. I was extremely tired, but nothing would cause slumber.

I lay there.

When I can't sleep, I try and put myself into a happy place. Usually this involves having intimacy, imagining myself somewhere safe, warm. Cuddling or snuggling with my lover. It's probably semi-normal to do that sort of thing. No matter how hard I imagined; no matter how hard I relaxed, sleep still refused to come.

I checked the time again. Turned the light back on. Got a book. Opened it. Closed it. Put it back. I wasn't in the mood for reading.

I returned to bed. Again.

I lay there and imagined anything I could think of to relax me. Nothing worked.

I checked the clock one final time. It was about 3:45. I wake up at 6. Strangely, it was not long after this that I slipped into sleep and found myself being woken by the strains of my alarm going off.

I was a zombie.
It has been a while since I suffered with insomnia. When I was a teenager I would toss and turn all night, but since then; not counting my student "never go to bed" years, I've not suffered until now. It started when I was in the USA, but only minor. I had a couple of nights when I just lay there.

I wasn't worried. My mind wasn't busy.
I think it was coffee.
I drank a lot of coffee yesterday.
We'll see what happens tonight.